Letters (Or "Here's What I'll Never Say to You")

"We lay aside letters never to read them again, and at last we destroy them out of discretion, and so disappears the most beautiful, the most immediate breath of life, irrecoverable for ourselves and for others." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

 So instead of writing a profound blog post today, I thought that I would write some letters. Letter-writing is cathartic, but perhaps it is most cathartic when you write letters to people that you never actually send. It gives you that emotional release without any of the repercussions. And so - today - I give you a few letters addressed to various individuals that I would never actually send:

I.

It seems appropriate to write this first letter to you. You were, after all, a huge part of my life for a few years. And now that I am older, and a little bit wiser, I can come to say - thank you. The fact that you completely broke my heart and my trust has made me the person that I am today. And for a while, I was really angry and bitter with you, and especially over what you did. I felt like you took my trust and - having lied to me for years - snapped it in half. But looking back, you actually made me stronger. You made me into someone who realized that forgiveness is an extremely powerful thing, and not always an easy one. I used to think that I was a very forgiving person - that I was the sort who would never grow bitter or hold grudges. But after what you did to me, I found my heart hardened. And perhaps a little bit of me will always feel that way, but I remember hearing that forgiveness is a process. You have to make a conscious effort to forgive that individual every time they pop into your mind. So I wanted to let you know that I forgive you. Despite the fact that you hurt me, I don't wish any ill thing to happen to you. I wish you well, and hope that you are. And, should by some chance we ever meet again in this life, I would smile and nod in your direction. And just know that's a huge step from where I came from a few years ago.

II.

Most of all, I want you to be happy. And I want your life to be happy. And it pains me to know that you're always in pain - it seems that if it's not physical, it's emotional, or spiritual. I wish I could understand what you're going through - how depression makes you feel, and how your joints ache at such a young age. I wish I could just make that all go away for you. I wish we could go to London together and study abroad and shop at little shops and eat and drink in pubs, and take train rides and write poems in Bryant Park. Honestly, if there's anyone in my life that I wish I could do all those things with, it'd be you. And it's funny because we didn't even really start out as close friends until later in life. But I think that it's amazing how close we've grown. And I know you're struggling with what to do with the rest of your life, but I know God has a plan and He'll work things out. And I'm always here for you.

III.

I was in love with you once and I can safely say that I am happy that you're happy. It's amazing to feel that, really. I'm actually kind of glad that you never felt the same way. In the words of Elizabeth Swan: "It would have never worked between us." True words.

IV.

It's been almost ten years, and you're still the only person who can make me laugh as hard as you do. I love being around you, and I love that you are always there for me. And I love that we can be silly and crazy and have random adventures. I wish your home life was better for you, or that you could get rid of the dysfunctionality of it somehow. I wish I could help. But I love you, profusely. And you're my best friend. And you always will be. And someday, you'll get to be in your first American wedding, and I'll get to be in my first (and probably only) Indian one. :)

V.

I just don't even know what to say to you. I'm not sure that I even know who you are anymore. I think that I did, maybe. Or maybe I just convinced myself of who you were - maybe I just constructed a model you in my mind, and saw you through that lens. The thing about you is that you're unpredictable. So maybe someday we can be friends, who knows. But as for right now, I'm still on my guard - my walls are up, because I don't know what you want or who you really are. And that scares me.

VI.

How did we all fall apart like this? Sweetie, you're so controlling. You can't make people do things they don't want to do. You can't shut people out because they disagree with you. And you sure as heck cannot try and glue something together that has already fallen apart. Because it's the truth - whether you want to admit it or not. We all fell apart. We're not the same people that we were in high school, and thank God for that. We've grown up, and moved on. And though we all love each other in the kind of way that makes us nostalgic, we'll never actually be those people again. And it kind of is sad to me that you want us to hold on so that you can feel better. I understand why you want control - your life hasn't exactly been sunshine and rainbows the past few years. And I would never want to be in your shoes. You've gone through some rough things, and you know that you had (and still have) our support. But don't resort to high school - don't threaten us, don't cause petty arguments. I love you, of course, but sometimes you make me frustrated. Just an FYI.

VII.

Is it weird that sometimes I wonder what would have happened if - three years ago - I had ended up with you instead of him? I hope you're doing well. Because you're actually someone who I really really liked, and who kind of miss to this day. And who I regret deleting off of my Facebook friends.

VIII.

It's kind of weird that you're dating her. And not just because I - along with every other single girl I know - had a crush on you. It's just...weird. But I hope you're happy. Because I really do enjoy seeing you happy.

VIV.

I'm trying to think of why we aren't friends anymore, and I don't know the answer. You and I used to be pretty close - we used to live right down the hall from one another, for goodness' sake. But we moved back home, our lives changed, and we started up new colleges. And I thought that we would still stay close - you are such a strong, wonderful woman of God. But lately... I feel like there's this huge distance between us, even though we live 15 minutes or so apart. It's funny, because we'll say that "we should really get coffee sometime." But we never do. Why is that? Has our friendship become just that shallow?

X.

This is a letter to all of you, and it's no secret how much I love you guys. When I transferred, I never thought that I would find a group that I connected with as much as I did. We're sisters, but we've become a family. And I want to cry thinking about how much I miss seeing each and every one of you from week to week. But we're forever bonded, so I guess that's okay.