As I sit here listening to Darren Criss singing his version of "Not Alone," I'm pondering the song. Lately I've been thinking a lot about my future. And now that I've graduated from college and have a full-time job, things are starting to sink in. Like the fact that I'm 22 years old. In January, I'll turn 23.
Twenty-three.
I feel old.
And - of course - I'm not really all that old. Literally, I'm the baby out of the girls that I work with (they're all 25 or 26). But the fact is that I feel old. It's funny - when you think about your life as a kid, an age like 22 seems ancient. You sit and roll your eyes and think "Oh, when I'm that old, I'll do X, Y, and Z." Funny how life has a way of causing those things to shift into perspective when you actually reach adulthood.
This may surprise you, but I've never really dreamt of my wedding. Not, I suppose, in the traditional sense that a lot of girls do. Lots of little girls plan their weddings out. They know what color they want their bridesmaids to wear. They know where they want to get married. They know what the ring will look like, what flowers they'll have, what kind of cake they'll eat, and what their first dance will be to. We, as girls, like to jokingly dream of our grooms. Often they're celebrities who we will most likely never even meet in our lifetimes, much less fall in love with and marry.
I never did any of those things. And I suppose that, looking back, it's not super weird that I didn't. The tastes of most little girls change drastically by the time they reach adulthood and the point in time in which they are ready to get engaged. I've just recently thought about things like this, and I don't know why. Maybe it's because I'm reaching the age where people around me are getting ready to get married. Perhaps.
It's funny though - most days, not having a boyfriend doesn't faze me. I know that I really am young - I'm 22, for goodness' sake! - and that I have my whole life ahead of me to be married. But hearing about engagements and marriages starts to unsettle me when I think about the reality that I don't have anyone. I suppose that I might feel better if I was dating someone and could have the security of knowing that I would get married down the line. I'd have a prospect, at least.
Here's how it feels during bad days: bad.
Is it so hard to believe that I'm not as strong as I let on sometimes? Is it so difficult for me to admit that I actually want to have someone want me? (The answer to those are no and yes, respectively). Here's something that I've discovered lately: I am defeated before I even begin. When, on occasion, I meet someone who I could actually see myself dating because they're sweet and cute and a good guy (this has happened recently), I defeat myself.
Well, what's the point in getting my hopes up anyway?
Crazy, right?
Maybe that's just who I am these days - crazy. I want the best for myself, but maybe I feel like I won't ever get that because it's too good. The idea that there is someone out there perfectly made for me makes me smile and feel warm and wonderful. But maybe I have to start believing that idea. I dismiss it too often, and I think that's my stumbling block. It makes me feel good to think about it, until I look at where I am and think "Well, if that's true, then what am I doing here?"
... I'm going to continue to think about these things; it's inevitable. But I'm hoping that I'll come to the realization of what I already know: that I am young, God's timing for my life is perfect, and someone out there will love me for the rest of their life, and they probably haven't even met me yet.
