So, I was curious today. And his name popped into my mind, so - being at a job where I am basically at a computer 24/7 - I decided to Google him. And of course, I got links to his existential ramblings and overall dorky-ness. What still, to this very day, baffles me so much is how I was so crazy about him in high school.
I never dated this guy. Our relationship started out as friends. He transferred to my high school from a private Christian grade school, along with a lot of others who I would grow to become friends with. I became part of his circle of friends, really around my freshman year of high school. (It wouldn't be until my sophomore year that I would meet a woman I now consider to be one of my closest friends.) And I distinctly remember being at his surprise birthday party that year (we tried to throw him another one a few years later... we should have known he'd figure it out), where I met a girl who I was quasi-acquaintances with (my best friend at the time was one of her best friends). And I remember that moment so clearly, because she was looking across the room at him and said: "Isn't he cute?"
And to be honest, up until that point in time, I hadn't thought of him in any other way than just a friend. A buddy. But after that moment, I began to develop a little crush on him. (Sidenote: I actually didn't like the girl who would become my future close friend at first because she ended up dating him for a little bit.) But sophomore and junior year is where I really grew to fall in love with him. And it was much like The Holiday, where he knew of my existence, but never knew that I cared about him that way, and certainly didn't reciprocate. So it was hard, because everyone in our group of friends seemingly had a crush on him. And he dated significantly throughout high school.
I'm a hopeless romantic. Have we mentioned that? An integral part of this nonexistent love story (from his end, at least) involves junior year and our high school Homecoming dance. My best friend at the time, Lauren, knew that I really liked this guy (I think everyone except him knew this!). And this guy had a best friend, Wesley. So Lauren went over - being the fearless, brave soul that she is - and told the guy that I liked that if a slow song came on again, he should ask me to dance. Well, lo and behold - a slow song came on, and we danced. Did I mention that it had rained for some of the night? And that during that point it was sprinkling? And that he twirled me?
(Perhaps this guy really isn't as intelligent as I give him credit for...)
Needless to say, my crush only intensified. I don't remember how, exactly, but word got out to him that I had feelings for him. And he confronted me, before school. I still tell my close girl friends in our "group" that - for the life of me - I cannot remember what he said, exactly. I can't even recall my reaction. All I know is that he broke my heart, and perhaps blocking out the memory of it is best. I don't know what it was about him that was so attractive to me. And I don't say that in a mean-spirited manner, or anything. To this day, I am just a bit baffled. Why do we fall so in love with people who we might as well be invisible to? Is this just a curse for us women, brought on by the endless stream of romantic movies that we allow ourselves to watch? Could we really ever prevent that "unrequited love" from hurting as much as it does?
Because that's what it always was - unrequited. He never cared about me more than I cared about him. And in a way, I think that my lack of a relationship with him taught me more than a relationship ever could have. He's a good guy, but these days, he doesn't speak to me. And I don't speak to him. Which is odd, you know? For a tight-knit group of friends, we've all kind of hit the iceberg and splintered off into our own little paths. Some of us don't live around here anymore. I think that others of us learned to hold on tighter to friends who we are moving along with. That's kind of how I feel with my close friend - we're the two who are holding on, keeping each other afloat, and moving on. Not away, perhaps. But just on.
So that unrequited love story doesn't end in bitterness, though. But it's funny how feelings sneak up when you least expect them to. During my senior year of high school I developed a (unrequited, yet less severe) crush on another friend of mine. And the funny thing is that I thought I was completely over the guy I had been in love with for three years. Funny though - we were standing next to one another during prom, dancing to a fast song. And suddenly a slow song came on, and he just grabbed my hand and we started dancing. And in that moment, the cheesy butterflies that I thought had died resurfaced. Only for a moment, but they were still there.
My friendship with him taught me a lot. I'll give him that, and I can honestly say that I don't feel those butterflies anymore - I haven't for almost five years. And as I sit here, I can only smile and wonder exactly who it was that I fell in love with way back then. I don't know that kid anymore, but from what I remember, he was pretty special.
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