Ode to High School "Love" (Or "That Post About That Guy and My Life Thereafter")

So, I was curious today. And his name popped into my mind, so - being at a job where I am basically at a computer 24/7 - I decided to Google him. And of course, I got links to his existential ramblings and overall dorky-ness. What still, to this very day, baffles me so much is how I was so crazy about him in high school.

I never dated this guy. Our relationship started out as friends. He transferred to my high school from a private Christian grade school, along with a lot of others who I would grow to become friends with. I became part of his circle of friends, really around my freshman year of high school. (It wouldn't be until my sophomore year that I would meet a woman I now consider to be one of my closest friends.) And I distinctly remember being at his surprise birthday party that year (we tried to throw him another one a few years later... we should have known he'd figure it out), where I met a girl who I was quasi-acquaintances with (my best friend at the time was one of her best friends). And I remember that moment so clearly, because she was looking across the room at him and said: "Isn't he cute?"

And to be honest, up until that point in time, I hadn't thought of him in any other way than just a friend. A buddy. But after that moment, I began to develop a little crush on him. (Sidenote: I actually didn't like the girl who would become my future close friend at first because she ended up dating him for a little bit.) But sophomore and junior year is where I really grew to fall in love with him. And it was much like The Holiday, where he knew of my existence, but never knew that I cared about him that way, and certainly didn't reciprocate. So it was hard, because everyone in our group of friends seemingly had a crush on him. And he dated significantly throughout high school.

I'm a hopeless romantic. Have we mentioned that? An integral part of this nonexistent love story (from his end, at least) involves junior year and our high school Homecoming dance. My  best friend at the time, Lauren, knew that I really liked this guy (I think everyone except him knew this!). And this guy had a best friend, Wesley. So Lauren went over - being the fearless, brave soul that she is - and told the guy that I liked that if a slow song came on again, he should ask me to dance. Well, lo and behold - a slow song came on, and we danced. Did I mention that it had rained for some of the night? And that during that point it was sprinkling? And that he twirled me?

(Perhaps this guy really isn't as intelligent as I give him credit for...)

Needless to say, my crush only intensified. I don't remember how, exactly, but word got out to him that I had feelings for him. And he confronted me, before school. I still tell my close girl friends in our "group" that - for the life of me - I cannot remember what he said, exactly. I can't even recall my reaction. All I know is that he broke my heart, and perhaps blocking out the memory of it is best. I don't know what it was about him that was so attractive to me. And I don't say that in a mean-spirited manner, or anything. To this day, I am just a bit baffled. Why do we fall so in love with people who we might as well be invisible to? Is this just a curse for us women, brought on by the endless stream of romantic movies that we allow ourselves to watch? Could we really ever prevent that "unrequited love" from hurting as much as it does?

Because that's what it always was - unrequited. He never cared about me more than I cared about him. And in a way, I think that my lack of a relationship with him taught me more than a relationship ever could have. He's a good guy, but these days, he doesn't speak to me. And I don't speak to him. Which is odd, you know? For a tight-knit group of friends, we've all kind of hit the iceberg and splintered off into our own little paths. Some of us don't live around here anymore. I think that others of us learned to hold on tighter to friends who we are moving along with. That's kind of how I feel with my close friend - we're the two who are holding on, keeping each other afloat, and moving on. Not away, perhaps. But just on.

So that unrequited love story doesn't end in bitterness, though. But it's funny how feelings sneak up when you least expect them to. During my senior year of high school I developed a (unrequited, yet less severe) crush on another friend of mine. And the funny thing is that I thought I was completely over the guy I had been in love with for three years. Funny though - we were standing next to one another during prom, dancing to a fast song. And suddenly a slow song came on, and he just grabbed my hand and we started dancing. And in that moment, the cheesy butterflies that I thought had died resurfaced. Only for a moment, but they were still there.

My friendship with him taught me a lot. I'll give him that, and I can honestly say that I don't feel those butterflies anymore - I haven't for almost five years. And as I sit here, I can only smile and wonder exactly who it was that I fell in love with way back then. I don't know that kid anymore, but from what I remember, he was pretty special.

Community (Or "No, Not the Television Show, Silly")

 We are each of us angels with only one wing, and we can only fly by embracing one another.

- Lucretius

Good morning friends. (I say friends, but in actuality, I think only Jaime really reads this..) Today my blog post will focus on this awesome quote that I discovered today. I think that what I love so much about this particular quote is that it illustrates the importance of building community with one another. And I think that in our time period, one of the biggest downfalls of our society is that when we face issues, instead of going to others and opening up to them about our problems, we shut ourselves off. And in doing so, we isolate ourselves from the very people we need.

I think that we do this because of our prideful nature. We don't want people to see our flaws. There's a Paul Laurence Dunbar poem called "We Wear the Mask," and it truly sums up this point:

We wear the mask that grins and lies,
    It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,—
    This debt we pay to human guile;
    With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
    And mouth with myriad subtleties.
    Why should the world be over-wise,
    In counting all our tears and sighs?
    Nay, let them only see us, while
            We wear the mask.
    We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
    To thee from tortured souls arise.
    We sing, but oh the clay is vile
    Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
    But let the world dream otherwise,
            We wear the mask!

So I have to wonder, exactly: what would our society look like if we were all transparent, all the time? What if we could see one another - truly see them? If nothing was hidden, if there were no secrets and shames and guilt and insecurity, what kind of a world would that be?

My answer, simply, is that it would be a world full of community. We would see people help one another, genuinely. Empathy and sincerity would be the core of our very existence. We wouldn't be ashamed of our failures or our pitfalls. We wouldn't think "If they only knew the true me, they would run the other way," because people would be running to us with outstretched arms - friends, family members, and complete strangers would form communities of support.

As human beings, we desperately need one another. We were not created to exist in solitude. We need relationships, and acceptance, and love. We can survive on our own, sure, but is that really life? Or is it merely existing? We need to have others around when we break down to let us know that we are not alone in this world. Tragically, I believe that this is why so many suicides occur - there is a desperation, a need for another "angel" to fly alongside someone and carry them. But we fail to do so, sometimes. We fail to fly alongside those who need us the most.

So here is my challenge today: someone in your life needs you, right now. Be that angel to them, and embrace them. Because they can't do it alone, and - for that matter - neither can you.

Original Thoughts (Or "How to Become Brilliant Without Even Trying")

Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it.

- C.S. Lewis

Let me introduce you to one of my all-time favorite quotes. Not only was C.S. Lewis a theological genius, and a fantastic writer, but he also has some very quotable sayings, and this is probably one of the best (in my opinion). I write to you today as an editor. Some of these posts recently have addressed writers such as myself - how we think, how we act, etc. But this time, I am writing from the editor within me. And I feel like today's post is pertinent because a lot of writers (including myself) struggle with coming up with brilliant plots for stories. If I could only get something unique, we think, then the rest will just come to me. I won't start a novel, for instance, because I feel like I have nothing to write about. I don't have any great ideas, or amazing plot twists sitting at my desk, handy. But what if you don't really have to be "original"? What if trying too hard to become original actually causes you to stumble, not advance, in your writing?

The reason that I love the above quote is because of the sheer simplicity of his advice. There are dozens of books out there devoted to us writers - usually by writers, for writers. There's books about how to write the next great American novel, about how to get your novel published before you die, about how to write great poems, etc. And we gravitate toward these sort of books. Every day on my lunch break, I drive five or ten minutes to Borders. I'm at a desk all day, so it's nice to get up and walk around. And what better place to do so than a book store?

One tiny section caught my eye on my first day of perusal. I turned a corner and found myself staring at a section of books under the heading "Getting Published." Naturally, this intrigued me, and I found a few dozen books much like the ones that I just mentioned above. The books have great exercises in them (one book was focused solely on dreams and writing based off of those) in order to stimulate inspiration (....remember that blog entry?) for writers or would-be writers.

But Lewis' advice takes up only a few lines, and I find it more helpful than all of the books on those shelves. His suggestion for us is to simply tell the truth. Tell a story, no matter how many times you think you have heard the story before. I've heard it said before that all of the possible plot lines in the world have already been used up. It's just up to writers to find ways to tweak those that already exist. And when you think about it, this is accurate (think about how many rom-coms out there have nearly the same premise). So perhaps writing is not so much about being original as it is about being truthful.

Back to my original focus: I write today from an editor's point-of-view, because I have worked for a few literary journals in my time and I tend to see a common thread among submissions that I reject. They all try too hard to be something they're not. Nearly all of the poems that I reject are not bad poems, per se. They're just not honest enough. The poet either doesn't have a grasp on the vocabulary that they could have a grasp on, or they put too much of themselves into their work (I don't know how many more poems about broken hearts I can read...). The poems and short stories that stand out to me are ones in which narrators observe - they honestly portray the world (for better or for worse).

As Lewis notes - when you do this, you won't think that it is anything special. To you, dear writer, this may sound absurdly simplistic and a little bit silly. Write the truth? That's all? Isn't it though? Isn't that what life is all about - just writing it as it happens? Not trying to be profound or meaningful. But in that truth, there is meaning. And there is genius.

And it may sound simple, but you'll end up writing better if you stop trying to be something you are not.

The Girl In the Mirror (Or "That Blog Post About Self-Esteem")

Let us be grateful to the mirror for revealing to us our appearance only.

- Samuel Butler

I really love that quote. I am seriously contemplating writing it down and posting it on my mirror so that I can look at it daily. Why is that quote so important (especially to me, as a woman)? I think that it is a necessary reminder that who you are is not dictated by what you look like - for better or for worse.

I've met quite a few beautiful people in my time. (Listen to me, I sound like I'm a grandmother...) I've also met people who - by worldly standards - are nothing special. They're cute, perhaps, but not stunning or gorgeous. (I, myself, tend to fall into this category). And being someone who is average in appearance isn't a bad thing - the majority of the women in this country do not possess supermodel bodies or anything like that. Most of us live our lives out daily, having good days (where we look at the woman in the mirror and smile with satisfaction) and bad days (where we don't even want to look at ourselves out of fear or discontent).

But isn't it a comfort - no, a sheer joy - to know that what we look like is not who we are? Could you imagine what the world would be like if that were true? Picture, for a moment, that your personality, your heart, your compassion, and all of the things we constitute as "inner-beauty" were to manifest themselves on your exterior body. What would you look like? What would the most physically beautiful person be like? It is an interesting thought.

I teach 8th grade girls on Sunday mornings. I've taught them since they were in 6th grade and now they are getting ready to go into high school. In my opinion, the worst is almost over. Middle school was the most awkward and awful three years of my life. And I know it was this way for a lot of women out there (and possibly men too), mainly because there was such an extreme emphasis placed on "fitting in" and "being cool" (what does that even mean?) Middle school was the breeding ground for insecurities - I fell prey to a lot of these and trust me when I say that I am not an expert or master of self-esteem. I still have days where I just look at myself in the mirror and shake my head. And I think that a part of growing up is recognizing that quote above - who you are in the mirror is not who you truly are. It may seem like it. It may seem like the only thing people care about is personal appearances and clothes and make-up. (And really, a lot of our society is programmed in that way).

But take heart, friends. What you look like in the mirror is not really who you are on the inside. When people look back on your life, they will not remember the bad hair day you had last week, or the fact that you wore an outdated skirt to the Christmas party. They'll remember how you offered them a ride home when their car broke down, or how you helped them move into their new apartment.

At the end of the day, the mirror is just a shadow of who you are - not a reflection.

Happy Writing versus Unhappy Writing (Or "The Biggest Difference in the World")

The best creative work is never done when one is unhappy.

—Albert Einstein

Albert Einstein was known to be brilliant in science. He was extremely intelligent and is considered to be the father of modern physics. But, Mr. Einstein, I must disagree with you on one account. You see, I don't - not even for a second - believe that quote above.

This blog entry is for you writers out there. Yes, I'm talking to you - the ones hunched over your laptops at this very moment waiting for a novel idea to strike (Jaime, I know you're out there...!). I'm talking to the people who consider writing more than a hobby or even a profession. I'm speaking to those who crave to write. Who find writing about as essential as food or drink. To those people I will ask this - when do you write best: when you are happy or unhappy?

Now, notice that I didn't say "sad." Oh, sure, I believe that a lot of great novels or poems can stem from sorrow. (Certainly, we have found that a lot of great songs can come from that). But I am talking not about the emotion of being sad or down or blue, but rather the state of being unhappy. Discontent. Wandering. Where do your greatest phrases, your strongest characters, and your beautiful settings originate?

I'll give you my answer. Quite simply, my best work occurs when I am unhappy. And by unhappy, I do not (like I stated before) mean that I am in a constant state of wallowing depression. I don't close my curtains to block out sunlight and curl up in my bed with a pen and paper all day. My strongest writing, I have found, occurs not when I am giddy and happy, but when I am in lack or want. My high school AP Literature teacher, Ms. Charlotte Roberts (who was the greatest teacher I have ever had) explained this to us once. In the beginning of our first semester, we all had examined our book list in dismay - there were no good books on there. And by good, we meant "feel-good." Every book that we read during that semester (and every poem and short story, truly) could be deemed "depressing" or, at the very least, "tragic." Ms. Roberts told us that if we were looking for beach-read worthy books, we would not find them in her class. And I think that is the point in which I realized that not a lot of classics (or books labeled "great") contain happy endings. Redemptive, sure. But happy?

Later in the semester, Ms. Roberts and our class had a discussion about this. When we asked why seemingly every book in our semester was depressing, she asked us something poignant. She asked when we felt we wrote the best: when everything in the world was going right, or when we were upset. We all thought about this as she proceeded. When we are happy, she explained, we don't want to write. We would much rather be at the beach, or at a party, or with our boyfriends/girlfriends. Forget about staying inside by a computer - we're happy. We're out and living and enjoying life. And when we try to write in those states, usually everything that we turn out is...well, crap. When we are unhappy or upset, we tend to write our best. And I've found her advice to be true. As a challenge, on an amazing day when the sun is out and it's beach weather and your boyfriend just surprises you with a picnic, try to then go home and write a poem. You'll find that it sounds remarkably Hallmark - cheesy and fluffy. Or else, you may not even be able to write at all.

Now, clearly I cannot speak for every writer, but I find that when life has hit a snag, or when there is rain (both physically or metaphorically), I write some of the phrases, poems, or characters that I am most proud of. So think about that as you  go throughout your day today. And comment below, if you wish, letting me know what you think - do you write better when you are happy or unhappy?

Motivational (Tues)day (Or "What I Should Possess...But Don't")

In college, I was a part of this leadership society on campus. I went to the required meetings and video lectures in order to obtain membership. I could have gotten honor cords at graduation...but I was too lazy and/or cheap to purchase them. At any rate, every Monday, this society would send out an e-mail titled "Motivational Mondays." It would be a snippet of something to motivate or encourage us throughout the day.

I suppose this is less of a "Motivational (Tues)day" than those e-mails were, though. I'm writing today wondering exactly what has happened to motivation in our society. Or really, what has happened to motivation in my life? Do you remember when you were a child, how you'd get a puzzle and sit on the floor, cross-legged and biting your tongue, just because you were determined to finish? Sometimes I wonder what happened to those children - do they still exist within us? Or have we simply "outgrown" motivation?

I tend to learn towards the belief that it's not that we, as individuals, are unmotivated. I think that our lack of drive and dedication stems from the instant society in which we live. When commercials display the latest "high-speed" Internet connection, or microwavable dinners declare that they now "cook in less time"... I tend to wonder exactly what our lives have become. Have we substituted instant gratification for actual long-term benefits?

And this is why I think so many of us struggle with being motivated - why there are literally sections of bookstores devoted to self-help agendas. Patience and motivation go hand-in-hand: you cannot be motivated if you expect that benefits will automatically follow. You will only end up disappointed and bitter. Instead, motivation should stem from patience - we should have motivation because we know that we may not see our gain for a long period of time, but that it will be worth our effort when we do. And really, that's what motivation requires - effort. No one will sit beside your bed and encourage you to wake up every morning. Motivation is knowing that the path is rough, but that there is something worth getting to.

So strive to be motivated, in whatever you do in life. Work at it, because with an instant gratification mentality like our society dictates, it will not be easy. But it will be worth it.

Inspiration (Or "That Thing That Happens Only When It's Inconvenient, and Never When You Truly Want It")

It's kind of ironic to me, as a writer, that the only time I seem to find inspiration to write is the time that it is most inconvenient to do so. And then there are days like today - when I am sitting at work, perusing through PowerPoint presentations - where I really want to write. I legitimately crave to write something wonderful - a poem, a short story...even a brilliant phrase would suffice.

And yet, here I sit. Empty. Blank.

Why is inspiration so difficult to come by? Or rather, why is it so difficult to catch, to find, when you are seeking it out? Shouldn't life operate on a system of "If you want it and work for it, you'll get it"? I think it would be an interesting (and topsy-turvy) world if it did. But what if inspiration was like that? Creativity? Brilliance?

What if every time I truly desired to write something beautiful, I did? I don't think that I could ever stop myself, then, from doing anything other than writing. Who would have time for sleeping or eating or spending time with family and friends? Who would need to read novels or watch movies when you were writing brilliance of your own?

So perhaps life is better on this system: the never-ending double-edge sword for those of us who write. The painful reality that what we want isn't always what we get. Or maybe that what we want is what we get - just at a time that it is needed.

I think that's one of those deep life lessons that you have to learn daily - sometimes life just doesn't happen when you want it to happen. Inspiration doesn't occur when you sit around and wait for it. It happens when you are out: living, doing, experiencing life at its fullest. It happens when you meet someone who you never expected to meet. It happens in places that you randomly ended up, on days that are either too perfect or too awful. It happens when you fall in love, get your heart broken, and swear you'll never find the right person. It happens when you say and do all the right things, and all the wrong things.

Funny. Most of us writers end up stowed away in our rooms, super-glued to our computer screens, just waiting for that cosmic wave of inspiration to hit us. We want genius plotlines, intriguing characters, and perfect endings. But we don't actually do anything about it. We just wait. And wait. And we get frustrated because we end up sitting for three hours, staring as the cursor just keeps flickering.

So, here's what I propose (to myself and every other would-be writer out there): let's not sit and wait for inspiration. Let's live our lives and enjoy the company, and know that - when it feels like joining us - inspiration will catch up eventually.

I Stopped Believin'... (Or "How NBC's 'Community' Replaced 'Glee' as My Favorite Television Show")

Let me start off by saying: "Hello. Welcome to the world of a post-grad English major."

Having recently (and by recent, I mean yesterday) graduated from college, I thought that it was about time that I actually produced some original ramblings and musings via the Internet. It's nothing extremely new for me - I had a blog when I was in high school - but it's something that I've lost throughout the years. And now, I feel like there are often so many thoughts within my head that need to be put into words and published, despite how miniscule they may seem to everyone else. Because honestly, every little musing or rambling that you find in here is a piece of me and a part of my thought process. And someday, I'd like to look back and read through them.

And now, onto my first post. Glee versus Community.

I'll begin by explaining that up until recently (about a semester or so ago), Glee was my favorite show on television. I had followed what I dubbed the "little show that could" from its humble origins. In the pilot episode, I had no idea who any of the cast members were (save the obvious Jane Lynch and Lea Michele, whom I had seen in Spring Awakening). And I thought it was an amazing concept for a show and one that would either a) take off like nobody's business (see: present), or b) flop like nobody's business.

Evidently, we know what happened - Glee became a mega-hit, followed up by concert tours and - from what I hear as of recently - 3D movies. People gravitated to it, and show follwers dubbed themselves "Gleeks." (I still consider myself a Gleek, folks. Don't be dismayed).

And inherently, there's nothing extremely wrong with Glee as a television show. It's quirky and funny and feel-good and sad (and that's all in the same episode). But I've come to realize that - despite its numerous awards - there's something missing. And I think that Ryan Murphy is a brilliant producer and creator, but it is insanely obvious that he projected himself into the character of Kurt. And, you know, as a writer that kind of irks me a bit. As much as I want to make myself into a character, and give her all of the experiences and loves and adventures I never got to have, I just couldn't do it. As a writer, I just can't bring myself to do that.

Now, obviously fans of the show either a) have no knowledge of the fact that Kurt is really Ryan 2.0, or b) simply don't care. I love Kurt as a character. I adore Chris Colfer. But I've picked up on that fact. Murphy's other issue - the one that I've noticed at least, and I know shows of the fandom have quipped about - is that he plays extremely to the fans. There's a difference between knowing what your fanbase wants (sometimes giving it to them and sometimes not - see: Dan Harmon), and catering to what your fanbase wants. Catering causes erraticisms (if that's not a word, I just made it up!) within the context of the show. That's why in Glee you have characters who jump from boyfriend to girlfriend faster than you can sing the chorus of a Journey song. The characters themselves become erratic also: their wants and developments are overshadowed by the fans' wants. That produces a character like Quinn who is on-and-off redemptive from week to week.

Like I said earlier though, there's nothing inherently wrong with Glee - I still adore the show. I think that I've just realized that other brilliant shows (see: Community) are being overshadowed.

So let's talk about my favorite show on television, then. Community is what people have branded as a "sleeper" hit - it truly is the "little show that can." Headed by a brilliant ensemble cast that includes the oh-so handsome and talented Joel McHale (who everyone should know from E!'s "The Soup") and the legendary Chevy Chase, this comedy revolves around the fictional Greendale Community College, where disbarred ex-lawyer Jeff Winger (McHale) has to attend in order to get his Bachelor's degree...or one that isn't from Colombia, at least.

When I tell people about this show, the first thing I say is "it's about a study group who attends a community college...but it is so much more than that!" Indeed, the show really is. With every other episode being an homage to a movie ("Basic Rocket Science": "Apollo 13") or a genre of movie ("A Fistful of Painballs": spaghetti Western), Community is easily the most entertaining 20-some minutes of television. What is so brilliant about this show is that producer Dan Harmon, and his amazing team of writers, knows what works and what doesn't work with the fans. Unlike Glee, which I feel over-caters to fans, Community silently applauds and thanks the fans for their involvement in the sitcom. This is the only show on television, folks, who would slip in Easter eggs (like the ticker in "Intro to Political Science," or the background Abed storyline in "The Pyschology of Letting Go"), or even personalized thank-you notes (the replicated Jeff/Annie fanvid in "Paradigms of the Human Memory"). Community is aware of its small-but-mighty fanbase, and it is genuinely appreciative of it. And for that, Dan Harmon, we appreciate you.

The wit and humor in Community is insanely impressive to me - there will literally be episodes that I live-tweet (@notajenny, in case you were curious) where I simply cannot tweet jokes fast enough (this is a lot of the times due to the hilarious delivery of Donald Glover and his ad-libs). But aside from wit and strong, consistent writing (these writers really pay attention to consistency in characters and also in general), this show has heart. Episodes like their claymation Christmas special ("Abed's Uncontrollable Christmas") are evidence of this.

And even beyond that, I dare anyone to find a stronger ensemble cast on television. Each actor and actress brings so much to their characters. I like that, for a show about a community college, each character is more than merely a shell or caricature of someone you  might see. Even the background characters (Fat Neil, Leonard, Starburns, Vicki, Garrett, etc.) are developed! Personally, my favorite character on this show is the sometimes-neurotic, youngest member of the study group, Annie Edison. And perhaps the reason I adore Annie so much is because I can relate to her the most out of the study group. And while I unashamedly ship Jeff/Annie, I think that people automatically assume "Oh, you like Jeff/Annie? That must mean you hate Britta." But that's simply not true. I love Britta and I think that Gillian Jacobs does such a brilliant job at portraying her. Episodes like "The Science of Illusion" and "Applied Anthropology and Culinary Arts" just solidify my love for her. She's so contradictory in what she believes and why she believes it, and I think that a lot of the times she's jaded to the point that she becomes a bit hardened and embittered, but she has so much heart that it's hard to not love her. And Annie, to me, is just the group's moral center (and definitely Jeff's, as evidenced in "A Fistful of Paintballs" and "Basic Geneology.")

And, well, I'll just save a post for Jeff/Annie and why I love them together another day.

But basically, if you're not watching NBC's Community, you truly should. It's a brilliant, smart, witty comedy full of heart and wonderful writing. Each episode, I sit and watch with my bff Jaime (who actually lives in New York, so we watch together in spirit), and we constantly wonder how the show could top itself. Yet, every week, every episode, it manages to exceed our expectations by miles.

And that, my friends, is the trait of a genius show.